this is my testimony...
the other morning
a sparrow...
misjudged the distance between the top of the kitchen ranch slider and the door opening...
by the minutest detail...
as it flapped it's wings to stay airborne and position itself perfectly to dip its head and grab the spider...
he unknowingly dipped ever so so slightly lower than was needed...
(so slightly, that he wasn't even aware of the miscalculation...)
until he found himself inside the house...
frantically realising he was somewhere he hadn't calculated on being, but fully aware -
it was wrong, wrong, wrong...
(my home has a window in just about every wall... and through these windows you see... sky, mountains, trees, water... the great outdoors)
as i raced against time... (time being - one frantic sparrow) to open every window and ranch slider so the little fellow could 'escape'
it became obvious that i was on the losing end of the battle...
because for every pane of glass he flew at... as i would be attempting to get it opened for his escape...
he would spy me at the last minute... and divert immediately in the other direction
and so on it went...
him bashing and crashing into every pane of (closed) window...
and me peacefully, calmly trying to open it so he could be free...
but for this little fellow
this tiny little sparrow...
i knew...
to be free...
he would have to settle...
be still...
and calm himself...
it wasn't going to happen.
he was scared...
in panic...
and desparate...
and all he knew to do
was what he knew/felt impelled to do...
which was to continue flying at... what appeared to be...
freedom
to stop him from harming himself further...
i knew i had to sit down... and be still
i was scaring him the most...
i knew i just had to be silent, be still and wait for him to wear himself out
there was no other way of helping him...
so i did
i sat down on the floor - silent
maybe it was my silence
maybe it was the stillness
maybe he had just had enough
but immediately
he stopped his frantic flying at the windows...
landed on the floor, walked beside my cabinet...
and just sat.
after a few moments...
i quietly got up...
walked over...
and picked him up -
went outside onto my deck -
and sat him on the banister...
(out of reach of my cat - and neighbouring felines)
and he sat there
bewildered and (i thought) still afraid that he was still in 'captivity'
but he wasn't -
he was free -
i knew it -
i had set him free -
for half an hour he sat there -
still, silent... hardly moving -
just breathing...
until...
he just opened his wings
and flew.
Behold the birds of the sky, that they neither sow nor reap, neither do they gather into barns, and your Father who is in Heaven sustains them; behold, are you not more valuable than they?
what if...
i suffered sexual abuse as a child
so another child would not have to be alone in knowing the shame of having to hide such a horrible thing?
what if...
i suffered rejection and hatred from my abusers wife
so that i would understand how evil can rot and play havoc with those closest to it?
what if...
i was asked to care for that same woman after her husbands death
so that i could experience the sadness she suffered after his death and learn compassion for her?
what if...
as he cursed me on his death bed, that should i ever tell anyone he had abused me, i would live my life unloved and would lose any man i would love
i loved another anyway?
what if...
as i struggled to hide my shame and defy the ugly words he had spoken over me for eight years
i learnt to feel the ugly lies within the hearts of others?
what if...
as i sat alone, locked away from my siblings and cast out as worthless
i found the strength i would need to endure standing alone?
what if...
as i found ways to 'escape' my ugly world
i found the strength i would need to go into the ugly places others dared not go?
what if...
as i discovered ways of turning away from the ugliness that surrounded me
i learnt that it is not always the road you should take?
what if...
as i promised myself a place of safety and refuge, where this could never happen again
i created a place for the needy, broken and rejected?
what if...
as i found the ways of the world was to 'purchase' my loveliness and worth
i saw more ways to hate myself?
what if...
as i grew up and learned that evil lurks every where
i discovered that it lurks in every man?
what if...
as i grew to want to change my heart towards my fellow man
i learned to trust myself least of all?
what if...
as i learned to 'display' attributes of confidence in my self
i become less of my truth than ever?
what if...
as i grew in what we know as 'wisdom'
the stupidity of it all became more apparent?
what if...
as my hatred for intolerance grew
i became less tolerated?
what if...
in my attempt to save myself
i have slaughtered one more innocent than i?
i took a long time to be baptised...
because i knew it would change my life...
i knew He would honour His word...
and destroy anything and everything that stood between me and Him...
anything and everything...
anything and everything...
that stood between me and Him...
He allowed nothing, nothing, nothing...
nothing at all to seduce Him away from
me.
Not His power
Not His glory
Not His might
Not His mother
Not His father
Not His friends
Not a whisper of blessings...
Not a show of tears....
Not a promise of abundance...
no thing...
seduced Him away from me
not undeserved abuse
nor undeserved violence against His body
nor betrayal of close friends
nor cursed spits upon His face
nor persecution
nor sickness
nor disease
nor madness
nor my rebellion
nor my doubt
nor my sin
nor my self righteousness
nor my unrelenting addiction to me...
nor death...
stopped Him.
when He could have fought for Himself
and deserved to fight for Himself...
i would have called to Him...
You don't have to put up with this...
You don't have to put up with that...
You are innocent...
slay them, i would have called...
they aren't worth it...
stand up for Your rights...
i would be up the front demanding His rights...
but...
He knew His rights...
and He waived them.
if i could look consistently
on my longings
and remember
that my imagination
is looking on the face
of an idol
i would not lose hope
as i so often do
if i could shut myself away
and long only
for what is eternal
i would not lose faith
as i so often do
if i could close my eyes
and forget my self
i would not fear
His voice
as i so often do
if i could sit in the darkness
and know that my distractions
do not answer my prayers
i would not doubt
as i so often do
so this must be my prayer
Lord,
thank you for being faithful
when i doubt you
i make so little of You
i make a man of You
and i forget
You are Almighty
i make plans for You
i give You my longings
as if they are important
and i pray that You will bless them
and when You don't
i make much of my self
and feel unloved and dejected
and try not to see
my unsatisfied lust
i take 'darkness' as my punishment
though You have promised me
my punishment is done
i don't know how to say thank you
to You, Almighty
for Your patience, Your grace, Your mercy
Lord, show me the places i hide from You
that hinder Your presence in the lives
of those who observe me
looking for Your face
make of me, a humble servant
and lead me, fearlessly to lay down my life
and serve the most unworthy
as You have done
for me
Amen
salvation
hindered by pride
i receive Christ as my saviour
and surrender my self
as my own saviour
and then i am shown
my self
as i never knew
her
desiring glory
desiring honour
desiring rights
desiring blessings
desiring rewards for servanthood
and i am lost again
i have surrendered little
self is sneaky
and hides herself
in the shadows of my salvation
urging me on
to fill my time with 'god' stuff
to reap His love and grab hold of His blessings
to grasp hold of the promised reward
to serve the people and to sign my name
urging continuously...
and again i lose sight of Christ
and i intertwine my salvation through Him
with 'the Law' and works
and i am not free at all
i go back to the cross
and the meaning of His salvation
promised to me
and i pledge my allegiance to Him again
and self shows up with
ifs and ands and buts and maybes
and i know so little
self and pride are great mates
and will not journey without each other
and they pledge allegiance to the state
and the state demands their thought life
their imaginings, their worth be tied to its blessings
and it offers no choice of another way
and i see it
and i see pride
my pride has enslaved me
and hindered my surrender
and it is me
and at the cross
i have a choice
to surrender all my longings
to see my longings as chains of bondage
from which i will never be free
without His grace and His mercy
and His life poured out for me
upon the cross.
"Beloved,
do not be surprised
at the fiery trial
when it comes upon
you
to test you
as though something strange was happening to you.
but rejoice
insofar as you share
Christ's sufferings,
that you may also rejoice
and be glad
when His glory is revealed.
if you are insulted for the name of Christ
you are blessed
because the Spirit of glory
and of God
rests upon you"
1 Peter 4:12-14
this morning awakens me
to a new day
of grace
His grace
anew
and i am bursting with joy
when i contemplate
my service this day
a thought
crosses my mind
forgive me
i have served the devil
i have served no other
if i have not been of service
to Jesus Christ
i have been of service
to the devil
Lord, forgive me.
i googled the word master
i got one billion, nine hundred and ten million results
i googled the word Lord
i got one hundred and seventeen million results
i googled Jesus Christ
i got one hundred and twenty million results
i googled me
i got fifteen billion, one thousand million results
Jesus Christ forgive me
Amen
at the days close
i am confused
bewildered and stunned
into silence
i pray that He will
settle all things
as i dream
i pray that He will undo
my imaginings
the imaginings that set themselves up as my gods
i pray that He will forgive me
for considering Him slow to comfort me
i pray that He be patient with me
as i struggle to forgive and release others from the debt
i pray that He turn not away from me
as i say, yes my Lord, i see your point
i pray that He show my hidden pride delicately
that i will not faint from my foolishness and my stubborn desire to be as Him
i pray He forgives my continuous rebellion of past and present
i pray i have seen His provision for the day i am leaving
i pray He releases me from the lies of supposed need
and grant me a thankful heart
i pray that He grants me courage
to cast down all things vain
that hold my heart far from Him
i pray that He is patient with me
when i am slow to hand over my hurt
i pray He forgives me more than i deserve
and as my breathing slows
and peace enters my heart
i know
i have used this days grace
amen
dreams will shatter
you were born for a time such as this
lives will not go on as you dreamed they would
you were born for a time such as this
things will change and you will be challenged
you were born for a time such as this
things will not go well
you were born for a time such as this
people will come into your life and change you
you were born for a time such as this
people will give you their agendas and you will put yourself on hold
you were born for a time such as this
you will spend too much time trying to fit in when you don't
you were born for a time such as this
you will speak and act in ways that falsify who you are
you were born for a time such as this
the roads you take will lead you back until you see
you were born for a time such as this
there is but one mistake you will make
and may make many times
and that is
there is no mistake.
He made you
for a time such as this
Your skin - His doing
Your eyes - His doing
Your nose - His doing
Your height - His doing
Your width - His doing
Your family - His doing
Your environment - His doing
Your talents - His doing
All that you are - His doing
You are His doing and He has made you for a time such as this
Your error is believing otherwise.
there is a room
for people to meet
as a group
it is a group
called
shattered dreams
i thought
it might be
a group
i
should be
a part of
it makes me cry
a group of people
who have to meet
to talk about
shattered dreams
has His house
a room
set aside
for
shattered dreams?
has His house
a room
set aside
for
broken dreamers?
is there a room
for
us?
some times His service will bid me go.
some times His service will bid me do.
some times His service will bid me to be silent.
some times His service will bid me to overlook the insignificant things which i proudly lay my eyes upon.
some times His service will bid me to announce what must be said.
some times His service will surprise me days, months or years later.
some times His service is hidden from my eyes so i will learn to trust Him.
some times His service is unbearable and many will leave my side.
some times His service disturbs my comfort so distressingly that i will have to call upon Him every step of the way.
some times His service will distress and hurt those i love.
some times His service will shake tremble and shatter every foundation i stand on.
some times His service will lead me to shed tears for the broken heart in others of which i have no knowledge but for the deep pressing upon my heart.
some times His service will call me away from all i do to serve Him.
to be of service to Him.
my wrestle to devote myself to His service...
comes from my
greatest addiction...
my addiction
to self
to feed self
to clothe self
to house self
to minister to self
to 'worthify' self
to elevate self
but He says
to die
to self
to feed them
to clothe them
to house them
to minister to them
to 'worthify' them
to elevate them
i have cried too much for what i have wanted and not received...
my life must be laid down
if i am to serve
with all
my heart
a roof over the head of a brother in need...
i wrestled with my comfort...
i wrestled with my desire...
i wrestled with my need...
i wrestled with Him...
'invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind
'enlarge the pegs of your tent
'i came to serve
His words...
not mine...
so i said Yes, my Lord...
i will do it...
and i pray
that my Lord forgives me...
and
that
my brother's 'blindness' be healed
that he might see
how much
my Lord
loves him
