hindrance to salvation

salvation
hindered by pride


i receive Christ as my saviour
and surrender my self
as my own saviour


and then i am shown
my self
as i never knew
her


desiring glory
desiring honour
desiring rights
desiring blessings
desiring rewards for servanthood


and i am lost again


i have surrendered little


self is sneaky
and hides herself
in the shadows of my salvation
urging me on
to fill my time with 'god' stuff
to reap His love and grab hold of His blessings
to grasp hold of the promised reward
to serve the people and to sign my name
urging continuously...


and again i lose sight of Christ
and i intertwine my salvation through Him
with 'the Law' and works
and i am not free at all


i go back to the cross
and the meaning of His salvation
promised to me


and i pledge my allegiance to Him again
and self shows up with
ifs and ands and buts and maybes
and i know so little


self and pride are great mates
and will not journey without each other
and they pledge allegiance to the state
and the state demands their thought life
their imaginings, their worth be tied to its blessings
and it offers no choice of another way


and i see it
and i see pride
my pride has enslaved me
and hindered my surrender
and it is me


and at the cross
i have a choice
to surrender all my longings
to see my longings as chains of bondage
from which i will never be free
without His grace and His mercy
and His life poured out for me
upon the cross.