what if...

what if...
i suffered sexual abuse as a child
so another child would not have to be alone in knowing the shame of having to hide such a horrible thing?


what if...
i suffered rejection and hatred from my abusers wife
so that i would understand how evil can rot and play havoc with those closest to it?


what if...
i was asked to care for that same woman after her husbands death
so that i could experience the sadness she suffered after his death and learn compassion for her?


what if...
as he cursed me on his death bed, that should i ever tell anyone he had abused me, i would live my life unloved and would lose any man i would love
i loved another anyway?


what if...
as i struggled to hide my shame and defy the ugly words he had spoken over me for eight years
i learnt to feel the ugly lies within the hearts of others?


what if...
as i sat alone, locked away from my siblings and cast out as worthless
i found the strength i would need to endure standing alone?


what if...
as i found ways to 'escape' my ugly world
i found the strength i would need to go into the ugly places others dared not go?


what if...
as i discovered ways of turning away from the ugliness that surrounded me
i learnt that it is not always the road you should take?


what if...
as i promised myself a place of safety and refuge, where this could never happen again
i created a place for the needy, broken and rejected?


what if...
as i found the ways of the world was to 'purchase' my loveliness and worth
i saw more ways to hate myself?


what if...
as i grew up and learned that evil lurks every where
i discovered that it lurks in every man?


what if...
as i grew to want to change my heart towards my fellow man
i learned to trust myself least of all?


what if...
as i learned to 'display' attributes of confidence in my self
i become less of my truth than ever?


what if...
as i grew in what we know as 'wisdom'
the stupidity of it all became more apparent?


what if...
as my hatred for intolerance grew
i became less tolerated?


what if...
in my attempt to save myself
i have slaughtered one more innocent than i?