if i could look consistently
on my longings
and remember
that my imagination
is looking on the face
of an idol
i would not lose hope
as i so often do


if i could shut myself away
and long only
for what is eternal
i would not lose faith
as i so often do


if i could close my eyes
and forget my self
i would not fear 
His voice
as i so often do


if i could sit in the darkness
and know that my distractions
do not answer my prayers
i would not doubt
as i so often do


so this must be my prayer


Lord, 
thank you for being faithful
when i doubt you
i make so little of You
i make a man of You
and i forget
You are Almighty
i make plans for You
i give You my longings
as if they are important 
and i pray that You will bless them
and when You don't
i make much of my self
and feel unloved and dejected
and try not to see
my unsatisfied lust
i take 'darkness' as my punishment
though You have promised me
my punishment is done
i don't know how to say thank you
to You,  Almighty
for Your patience, Your grace, Your mercy
Lord, show me the places i hide from You
that hinder Your presence in the lives
of those who observe me
looking for Your face
make of me, a humble servant
and lead me, fearlessly to lay down my life
and serve the most unworthy
as You have done
for me
Amen 

hindrance to salvation

salvation
hindered by pride


i receive Christ as my saviour
and surrender my self
as my own saviour


and then i am shown
my self
as i never knew
her


desiring glory
desiring honour
desiring rights
desiring blessings
desiring rewards for servanthood


and i am lost again


i have surrendered little


self is sneaky
and hides herself
in the shadows of my salvation
urging me on
to fill my time with 'god' stuff
to reap His love and grab hold of His blessings
to grasp hold of the promised reward
to serve the people and to sign my name
urging continuously...


and again i lose sight of Christ
and i intertwine my salvation through Him
with 'the Law' and works
and i am not free at all


i go back to the cross
and the meaning of His salvation
promised to me


and i pledge my allegiance to Him again
and self shows up with
ifs and ands and buts and maybes
and i know so little


self and pride are great mates
and will not journey without each other
and they pledge allegiance to the state
and the state demands their thought life
their imaginings, their worth be tied to its blessings
and it offers no choice of another way


and i see it
and i see pride
my pride has enslaved me
and hindered my surrender
and it is me


and at the cross
i have a choice
to surrender all my longings
to see my longings as chains of bondage
from which i will never be free
without His grace and His mercy
and His life poured out for me
upon the cross.

"Beloved, 
  do not be surprised 
  at the fiery trial
  when it comes upon 
  you
  to test you


  as though something strange was happening to you.


  but rejoice
  insofar as you share
  Christ's sufferings,


  that you may also rejoice 
  and be glad
  when His glory is revealed.


  if you are insulted for the name of Christ
  you are blessed
  because the Spirit of glory
  and of God
  rests upon you"


  1 Peter 4:12-14

this morning awakens me
to a new day
of grace
His grace
anew
and i am bursting with joy


when i contemplate
my service this day
a thought
crosses my mind


forgive me


i have served the devil


i have served no other
if i have not been of service 
to Jesus Christ
i have been of service
to the devil


Lord, forgive me.


i googled the word master
i got one billion, nine hundred and ten million results
i googled the word Lord
i got one hundred and seventeen million results
i googled Jesus Christ
i got one hundred and twenty million results
i googled me
i got fifteen billion, one thousand million results






Jesus Christ forgive me
Amen

a days grace

at the days close
i am confused
bewildered and stunned 
into silence
i pray that He will
settle all things
as i dream
i pray that He will undo
my imaginings
the imaginings that set themselves up as my gods
i pray that He will forgive me
for considering Him slow to comfort me
i pray that He be patient with me
as i struggle to forgive and release others from the debt
i pray that He turn not away from me
as i say, yes my Lord, i see your point
i pray that He show my hidden pride delicately
that i will not faint from my foolishness and my stubborn desire to be as Him
i pray He forgives my continuous rebellion of past and present
i pray i have seen His provision for the day i am leaving 
i pray He releases me from the lies of supposed need
and grant me a thankful heart
i pray that He grants me courage
to cast down all things vain  
that hold my heart far from Him
i pray that He is patient with me
when i am slow to hand over my hurt
i pray He forgives me more than i deserve


and as my breathing slows
and peace enters my heart
i know
i have used this days grace
amen

do what you do

dreams will shatter
you were born for a time such as this
lives will not go on as you dreamed they would
you were born for a time such as this
things will change and you will be challenged
you were born for a time such as this
things will not go well
you were born for a time such as this
people will come into your life and change you
you were born for a time such as this
people will give you their agendas and you will put yourself on hold
you were born for a time such as this
you will spend too much time trying to fit in when you don't
you were born for a time such as this
you will speak and act in ways that falsify who you are
you were born for a time such as this
the roads you take will lead you back until you see
you were born for a time such as this


there is but one mistake you will make
and may make many times
and that is
there is no mistake.
He made you
for a time such as this


Your skin - His doing
Your eyes - His doing
Your nose - His doing
Your height - His doing
Your width - His doing
Your family - His doing
Your environment - His doing
Your talents - His doing
All that you are - His doing
You are His doing and He has made you for a time such as this


Your error is believing otherwise.

shattered dreams

there is a room 
for people to meet
as a group
it is a group
called 
shattered dreams


i thought 
it might be
a group
i
should be
a part of


it makes me cry


a group of people
who have to meet
to talk about
shattered dreams


has His house 
a room
set aside 
for 
shattered dreams?


has His house
a room
set aside
for 
broken dreamers?


is there a room
for
us?

some times His service will bid me go.


some times His service will bid me do. 


some times His service will bid me to be silent.


some times His service will bid me to overlook the insignificant things which i proudly lay my eyes upon.


some times His service will bid me to announce what must be said.


some times His service will surprise me days, months or years later.


some times His service is hidden from my eyes so i will learn to trust Him.


some times His service is unbearable and many will leave my side.


some times His service disturbs my comfort so distressingly that i will have to call upon Him every step of the way.


some times His service will distress and hurt those i love.


some times His service will shake tremble and shatter every foundation i stand on.


some times His service will lead me to shed tears for the broken heart in others of which i have no knowledge but for the deep pressing upon my heart.


some times His service will call me away from all i do to serve Him.


to be of service to Him.