what if...

what if...
i suffered sexual abuse as a child
so another child would not have to be alone in knowing the shame of having to hide such a horrible thing?


what if...
i suffered rejection and hatred from my abusers wife
so that i would understand how evil can rot and play havoc with those closest to it?


what if...
i was asked to care for that same woman after her husbands death
so that i could experience the sadness she suffered after his death and learn compassion for her?


what if...
as he cursed me on his death bed, that should i ever tell anyone he had abused me, i would live my life unloved and would lose any man i would love
i loved another anyway?


what if...
as i struggled to hide my shame and defy the ugly words he had spoken over me for eight years
i learnt to feel the ugly lies within the hearts of others?


what if...
as i sat alone, locked away from my siblings and cast out as worthless
i found the strength i would need to endure standing alone?


what if...
as i found ways to 'escape' my ugly world
i found the strength i would need to go into the ugly places others dared not go?


what if...
as i discovered ways of turning away from the ugliness that surrounded me
i learnt that it is not always the road you should take?


what if...
as i promised myself a place of safety and refuge, where this could never happen again
i created a place for the needy, broken and rejected?


what if...
as i found the ways of the world was to 'purchase' my loveliness and worth
i saw more ways to hate myself?


what if...
as i grew up and learned that evil lurks every where
i discovered that it lurks in every man?


what if...
as i grew to want to change my heart towards my fellow man
i learned to trust myself least of all?


what if...
as i learned to 'display' attributes of confidence in my self
i become less of my truth than ever?


what if...
as i grew in what we know as 'wisdom'
the stupidity of it all became more apparent?


what if...
as my hatred for intolerance grew
i became less tolerated?


what if...
in my attempt to save myself
i have slaughtered one more innocent than i?

i took a long time to be baptised...


because i knew it would change my life...


i knew He would honour His word...


and destroy anything and everything that stood between me and Him...


anything and everything...


anything and everything...


that stood between me and Him...


He allowed nothing, nothing, nothing...


nothing at all to seduce Him away from


me.


Not His power
Not His glory
Not His might
Not His mother
Not His father
Not His friends
Not a whisper of blessings...
Not a show of tears....
Not a promise of abundance...


no thing...


seduced Him away from me


not undeserved abuse
nor undeserved violence against His body
nor betrayal of close friends
nor cursed spits upon His face
nor persecution
nor sickness
nor disease
nor madness


nor my rebellion
nor my doubt
nor my sin
nor my self righteousness
nor my unrelenting addiction to me...
nor death...


stopped Him.


when He could have fought for Himself
and deserved to fight for Himself...


i would have called to Him...
You don't have to put up with this...
You don't have to put up with that...
You are innocent...
slay them, i would have called...
they aren't worth it...
stand up for Your rights...
i would be up the front demanding His rights...


but...


He knew His rights...
and He waived them.