the other morning a sparrow... misjudged the distance between the top of the kitchen ranch slider and the door opening... by the minutest detail... as it flapped it's wings to stay airborne and position itself perfectly to dip its head and grab the spider... he unknowingly dipped ever so so slightly lower than was needed... (so slightly, that he wasn't even aware of the miscalculation...) until he found himself inside the house...
frantically realising he was somewhere he hadn't calculated on being, but fully aware - it was wrong, wrong, wrong... (my home has a window in just about every wall... and through these windows you see... sky, mountains, trees, water... the great outdoors) as i raced against time... (time being - one frantic sparrow) to open every window and ranch slider so the little fellow could 'escape' it became obvious that i was on the losing end of the battle... because for every pane of glass he flew at... as i would be attempting to get it opened for his escape... he would spy me at the last minute... and divert immediately in the other direction and so on it went... him bashing and crashing into every pane of (closed) window... and me peacefully, calmly trying to open it so he could be free...
but for this little fellow this tiny little sparrow... i knew...
to be free... he would have to settle... be still... and calm himself...
it wasn't going to happen.
he was scared... in panic... and desparate... and all he knew to do was what he knew/felt impelled to do... which was to continue flying at... what appeared to be... freedom
to stop him from harming himself further... i knew i had to sit down... and be still i was scaring him the most... i knew i just had to be silent, be still and wait for him to wear himself out there was no other way of helping him...
so i did i sat down on the floor - silent
maybe it was my silence maybe it was the stillness maybe he had just had enough but immediately he stopped his frantic flying at the windows... landed on the floor, walked beside my cabinet... and just sat.
after a few moments... i quietly got up... walked over... and picked him up - went outside onto my deck - and sat him on the banister... (out of reach of my cat - and neighbouring felines)
and he sat there bewildered and (i thought) still afraid that he was still in 'captivity'
but he wasn't - he was free - i knew it - i had set him free -
for half an hour he sat there - still, silent... hardly moving - just breathing... until...
he just opened his wings
and flew.
Behold the birds of the sky, that they neither sow nor reap, neither do they gather into barns, and your Father who is in Heaven sustains them; behold, are you not more valuable than they?
what if... i suffered sexual abuse as a child so another child would not have to be alone in knowing the shame of having to hide such a horrible thing?
what if... i suffered rejection and hatred from my abusers wife so that i would understand how evil can rot and play havoc with those closest to it?
what if... i was asked to care for that same woman after her husbands death so that i could experience the sadness she suffered after his death and learn compassion for her?
what if... as he cursed me on his death bed, that should i ever tell anyone he had abused me, i would live my life unloved and would lose any man i would love i loved another anyway?
what if... as i struggled to hide my shame and defy the ugly words he had spoken over me for eight years i learnt to feel the ugly lies within the hearts of others?
what if... as i sat alone, locked away from my siblings and cast out as worthless i found the strength i would need to endure standing alone?
what if... as i found ways to 'escape' my ugly world i found the strength i would need to go into the ugly places others dared not go?
what if... as i discovered ways of turning away from the ugliness that surrounded me i learnt that it is not always the road you should take?
what if... as i promised myself a place of safety and refuge, where this could never happen again i created a place for the needy, broken and rejected?
what if... as i found the ways of the world was to 'purchase' my loveliness and worth i saw more ways to hate myself?
what if... as i grew up and learned that evil lurks every where i discovered that it lurks in every man?
what if... as i grew to want to change my heart towards my fellow man i learned to trust myself least of all?
what if... as i learned to 'display' attributes of confidence in my self i become less of my truth than ever?
what if... as i grew in what we know as 'wisdom' the stupidity of it all became more apparent?
what if... as my hatred for intolerance grew i became less tolerated?
what if... in my attempt to save myself i have slaughtered one more innocent than i?
Thursday, 27 October 2011
i took a long time to be baptised...
because i knew it would change my life...
i knew He would honour His word...
and destroy anything and everything that stood between me and Him...
anything and everything...
anything and everything...
that stood between me and Him...
He allowed nothing, nothing, nothing...
nothing at all to seduce Him away from
me.
Not His power Not His glory Not His might Not His mother Not His father Not His friends Not a whisper of blessings... Not a show of tears.... Not a promise of abundance...
no thing...
seduced Him away from me
not undeserved abuse nor undeserved violence against His body nor betrayal of close friends nor cursed spits upon His face nor persecution nor sickness nor disease nor madness
nor my rebellion nor my doubt nor my sin nor my self righteousness nor my unrelenting addiction to me... nor death...
stopped Him.
when He could have fought for Himself and deserved to fight for Himself...
i would have called to Him... You don't have to put up with this... You don't have to put up with that... You are innocent... slay them, i would have called... they aren't worth it... stand up for Your rights... i would be up the front demanding His rights...
but...
He knew His rights... and He waived them.
Friday, 30 September 2011
if i could look consistently on my longings and remember that my imagination is looking on the face of an idol i would not lose hope as i so often do
if i could shut myself away and long only for what is eternal i would not lose faith as i so often do
if i could close my eyes and forget my self i would not fear His voice as i so often do
if i could sit in the darkness and know that my distractions do not answer my prayers i would not doubt as i so often do
so this must be my prayer
Lord, thank you for being faithful when i doubt you i make so little of You i make a man of You and i forget You are Almighty i make plans for You i give You my longings as if they are important and i pray that You will bless them and when You don't i make much of my self and feel unloved and dejected and try not to see my unsatisfied lust i take 'darkness' as my punishment though You have promised me my punishment is done i don't know how to say thank you to You, Almighty for Your patience, Your grace, Your mercy Lord, show me the places i hide from You that hinder Your presence in the lives of those who observe me looking for Your face make of me, a humble servant and lead me, fearlessly to lay down my life and serve the most unworthy as You have done for me Amen
i receive Christ as my saviour and surrender my self as my own saviour
and then i am shown my self as i never knew her
desiring glory desiring honour desiring rights desiring blessings desiring rewards for servanthood
and i am lost again
i have surrendered little
self is sneaky and hides herself in the shadows of my salvation urging me on to fill my time with 'god' stuff to reap His love and grab hold of His blessings to grasp hold of the promised reward to serve the people and to sign my name urging continuously...
and again i lose sight of Christ and i intertwine my salvation through Him with 'the Law' and works and i am not free at all
i go back to the cross and the meaning of His salvation promised to me
and i pledge my allegiance to Him again and self shows up with ifs and ands and buts and maybes and i know so little
self and pride are great mates and will not journey without each other and they pledge allegiance to the state and the state demands their thought life their imaginings, their worth be tied to its blessings and it offers no choice of another way
and i see it and i see pride my pride has enslaved me and hindered my surrender and it is me
and at the cross i have a choice to surrender all my longings to see my longings as chains of bondage from which i will never be free without His grace and His mercy and His life poured out for me upon the cross.
Friday, 9 September 2011
"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you
as though something strange was happening to you.
but rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings,
that you may also rejoice and be glad when His glory is revealed.
if you are insulted for the name of Christ you are blessed because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you"
1 Peter 4:12-14
Tuesday, 6 September 2011
this morning awakens me to a new day of grace His grace anew and i am bursting with joy
when i contemplate my service this day a thought crosses my mind
forgive me
i have served the devil
i have served no other if i have not been of service to Jesus Christ i have been of service to the devil
Lord, forgive me.
i googled the word master i got one billion, nine hundred and ten million results i googled the word Lord i got one hundred and seventeen million results i googled Jesus Christ i got one hundred and twenty million results i googled me i got fifteen billion, one thousand million results
at the days close i am confused bewildered and stunned into silence i pray that He will settle all things as i dream i pray that He will undo my imaginings the imaginings that set themselves up as my gods i pray that He will forgive me for considering Him slow to comfort me i pray that He be patient with me as i struggle to forgive and release others from the debt i pray that He turn not away from me as i say, yes my Lord, i see your point i pray that He show my hidden pride delicately that i will not faint from my foolishness and my stubborn desire to be as Him i pray He forgives my continuous rebellion of past and present i pray i have seen His provision for the day i am leaving i pray He releases me from the lies of supposed need and grant me a thankful heart i pray that He grants me courage to cast down all things vain that hold my heart far from Him i pray that He is patient with me when i am slow to hand over my hurt i pray He forgives me more than i deserve
and as my breathing slows and peace enters my heart i know i have used this days grace amen
dreams will shatter you were born for a time such as this lives will not go on as you dreamed they would you were born for a time such as this things will change and you will be challenged you were born for a time such as this things will not go well you were born for a time such as this people will come into your life and change you you were born for a time such as this people will give you their agendas and you will put yourself on hold you were born for a time such as this you will spend too much time trying to fit in when you don't you were born for a time such as this you will speak and act in ways that falsify who you are you were born for a time such as this the roads you take will lead you back until you see you were born for a time such as this
there is but one mistake you will make and may make many times and that is there is no mistake. He made you for a time such as this
Your skin - His doing Your eyes - His doing Your nose - His doing Your height - His doing Your width - His doing Your family - His doing Your environment - His doing Your talents - His doing All that you are - His doing You are His doing and He has made you for a time such as this
i have cried too much for what i have wanted and not received...
my life must be laid down if i am to serve with all my heart
a roof over the head of a brother in need... i wrestled with my comfort... i wrestled with my desire... i wrestled with my need... i wrestled with Him...
'invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind 'enlarge the pegs of your tent 'i came to serve
His words... not mine...
so i said Yes, my Lord... i will do it...
and i pray that my Lord forgives me...
and
that my brother's 'blindness' be healed that he might see how much my Lord loves him
bewildered and (i thought) still afraid that he was still in 'captivity'
